Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Shitty, Gritty Parenting.

Pic stolen from here.
I was going to take a leaf out of Lauren from Owlet's book, inspired by her post about what days can actually look like with small children. I am inspired by Lauren a whole lot, actually.

But, today, I just can't find it in me to rejoice in the chaos and hard work of parenting. It's been a hard couple of days and to be honest my priorities right now are to keep my head above water, make sure some form of food is thrown at the kids roughly around mealtimes and get. them. into. bed. at the end of the day.

It's not all roses.

Way back when Eden was a newborn, I became spectacularly messy and depressed, and, when it became evident that all those 'new mother hormones' just weren't going to go away, I was put onto antidepressants and told I had PND. In retrospect, I'm pretty sure that old black dog was with me prior to that, when Miya was a new baby. It probably never went away.

The tablets worked, and have allowed me to live a pretty normally functioning life since then. I think I will always tend towards the dramatic and emotional, it's how I'm wired. But my emotions, by and large, no longer make me non-functioning and unhinged. I don't tend to worry anymore about things like whether or not I will get through the day without hurting the kids, or driving into a tree, or jumping on a plane and escaping, creating a new life for myself.

Every now and then, though, I (and most other parents, I'm sure) have a patch of a few days where life is hard. Harder than it should be. Bleak, even. It feels, on these days, like every word out of my mouth is snapped. Or like the word 'Mum' is a screwdriver to my head. Or like everyone needs me, and I have nothing to give. I resent how dependent the kids are, how demanding they can be. I begin to see dirt everywhere, and get so angry at everyone around me for making my world so dirty. I sweep the floors up to ten times a day, but can't fathom going into the kitchen to put dinner on.

On these days, it feels like I don't want to be a parent anymore.

On these days, we eat takeout. The TV stays on far too long. The kids sense something is amiss, and swing between making hay while mum is curled up in bed, and trying to put their world back together. Miya tells me she loves me a lot, or that she will help me clean the house, or asks me to play with her, nervously. Eden has learned to say, "Sorry, Mum!", very quickly, when I snarl about the many little things that are irritating me. They fight constantly, as the balance is shifted and they try to figure out the rules, and where they each stand.

This is not the childhood I imagined myself building for them. If I am being fair to myself, it is only every now and then that the dark cloud comes over me, but I hate watching them compensate for my demeanour, or seeing their emotions begin to reflect my own volatile state.

There's really no way to wrap up a post like this in a positive way. This is where I'm at. Tomorrow, I may be feeling different. I may wake up and everything will have a different light thrown over it. I may feel up to the task again. And, if not tomorrow, I know it will happen eventually. It always does. But, for now, it's all about the sorrow of not being the mother I want to be, 100% of the time, and the sadness, and the shame, of exposing my children to this darkness, and requiring from Nath all the things I am not able to give.

Friday, September 21, 2012


Today, it is so wild and windy here, the kind of blustery spring day that takes you by surprise after a string of nice weather. Nath has the car at work today, so the kids and I are rattling around the house listening to the gusts blow things around outside. So far, the deck cafe blinds have unravelled and are flailing about, and one of the doors has come off the garden shed. We have also lost a branch from our newly blossoming stone fruit tree (I can't wait to find out what kind of stone fruit it is!)

The kids are all either in bed sleeping (or singing, in Eden's case) or busily crafting (Miya). Craft time is treasured time here, and I have loved the opportunities recently to whip up a few craft projects of my own.

We recently acquired a very old piano, and with it came a tired old piano stool. I covered it in a lovely grey and white fabric, then made a runner for the top of the piano to match.
I then got together some contrasting remnants I had in my fabric stash and made a matching cushion....

 ...and then I made another one, because cushions should always have friends....

I have also reupholstered my tired old rocking chair. It has earned a makeover, having been my preferred place to sit since I was pregnant with Miya.
I've had my 'make' on in the kitchen, too, with my first attempt at making chocolate from scratch (using cacao butter and cacao powder) (it was delicious!)...
... as well as bliss balls using fresh dates, cacao powder, pistachios, rice malt syrup, coconut oil and coconut.
The girls spent the morning making necklaces using beads from all my old jewellery....
... while Brannen made a mess.
What have you been making lately?


Monday, September 10, 2012

Far Out, I Have Time To Blog!!

Can you hear that?


Miya is at school (her new school, and it is going fabulously, thank goodness and touch wood), Eden is at her little friend's house on a play date and Brannen is in bed.

The floors are clean, the dishes done, lunch has been had and the washing basket is empty.

I have time to blog.

I did say that this blog was about me blogging when I feel like it, when it suits me, and I am certainly holding true to that!!

This post is about our new house, the scene of loads of future making, baking, sewing and growing. We are very excited and already feel at home here. Moving was dreadful and I don't plan on doing that again for a very, very long time, but we are ALL UNPACKED now and getting some rhythm back into our days.

The deck is fast becoming an 'extra room', especially as the weather is warming up during the days now. It is such a beautiful place to sit. Nath enclosed the balustrade with chicken wire (looks better than it sounds) to make it a safe place for babies to play. Kind of like a giant play pen.

 This is the girls' fairy garden (so named by them). So far there is just a hammock to adorn it but with a couple of birthdays coming up I am quite sure this little corner of the yard will soon have all the neighbourhood fairies flocking to it.

 Alongside the driveway is where the bulk of our vegetable beds will be. The fruit trees you can see there have started to blossom since this photo was taken and they are just so beautiful. We will plant more fruit trees at the front of the house, also.

Behold, our future orchard.

This is our (somewhat overgrown) backyard. At the very rear, a gate leads out onto a laneway, which conveniently takes us alost all the way to Miya's school. There is a chicken run, a garden shed, a man cave (large shed) and the pool area as well as this grassed backyard.
 My kitchen. I love it.

The kids' all-in bedroom/playroom. The rooms are so big, they have space to share as well as house all of their toys. Brannen particularly enjoys tearing all the books off the bookshelf there.

 My little meals area, with some beautiful vinyl covered chairs I picked up from Gumtree and my recipe book ladder shelf.

Happy girls. The lucky things get to be free ranged during the day as well. I am waiting for a reward in the form of increased egg production.

Our laneway, and Miya heading off for her first day at her new school.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Back In 5.

I will be back with an update post later today - life has been ridiculously busy since we arrived home - but, in the meantime PLEASE read and SHARE this very informative and revealing short animation on the economic crisis and what is in store for everyday Australians. It's not all bad news but I believe it is important to be informed about the direction the world is heading in and how to 'weather the storm'. It reminds me of the story of Noah's Ark, when the people scoffed Noah's warnings of a big flood, and were washed away as a result. Don't be washed away, and don't be uninformed.

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